The Joys of the Modern World
by Alaina
Summary: Set today, the elves are back on earth. And Legolas and Glorfindel discover the joys of... fanfiction? Chapter 15
1. So Very Wrong

Ack! I got attacked by another plot bunny at 1:00 this morning. Stupid things. And they keep reproducing like, well, rabbits. Anyhoo, this is set in the future- around now, actually. Don't know if I'm going to continue or not. If I do, it's not meant to be a humor fic, although this part is funny. Anyway, enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, right, I wish.  
  
*  
  
As he walked down the hall, his keen elven ears picked up the sound of muffled giggling, desperately trying to be concealed. Following the sounds, the tall blond elf was led to one of the closed offices. As he opened the door to the darkened office space, the sounds abruptly stopped. Determined to find the source, the elf kept walking past the cubicles until he discovered a slightly younger elf sitting at one of the computers and purposefully ignoring the other. He had quickly covered up a window when the elder elf had appeared.  
  
"Legolas, what are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing!" Legolas answered just a little too quickly.  
  
"Legolas, I've died and returned. I've participated in nearly every major battle and had an affair with three different queens of England. You don't get that far in life without learning a few things. Like blatant lying."  
  
"Really Glorfindel, it's nothing," Legolas insisted.  
  
"Well if it's nothing, you won't mind me looking at it."  
  
"No, wait!" Legolas and Glorfindel wrestled for the mouse for a few moments before Glorfindel succeeded in knocking Legolas out of his chair.  
  
"Fanfiction?" he read aloud. "What in the name of god is this?"  
  
"Why, Glorfindel. I had no idea you were Catholic," said Legolas in a desperate attempt to change the conversation. "Isn't it time for your daily Mass?" Glorfindel spared him a withering glance. "It's nothing you'd be interested in. Really." Legolas made a wild grab for the mouse but missed. "Just a site for people to write stories about their favourite stories." But Glorfindel had already read the summary.  
  
"Elrond and Glorfindel are in the throes of a passionate love affair?" he repeated incredulously. Legolas couldn't help sniggering.  
  
Glorfindel grew more horrified as the story continued. His reading was interrupted with his terrified comments of,  
  
"B-b-but- is that even possible?" and  
  
"I'd never do that!" and  
  
"Celebrian would kill me!"  
  
"But Elrond wouldn't mind?" Legolas interjected, smirking. Glorfindel looked at him.  
  
"You are a twisted little elfling."  
  
"Hey, I only think they're funny because, well, it's you. And Elrond. And would never happen. It gets better though. Read the next line."  
  
Glorfindel read the next line.  
  
Seeing Glorfindel, an elf who was well on his way to 30 000 years old, had died and lived to tell about it, participated in every conceivable major battle (and some inconceivable ones) and shagged at least three different queens of England squeal "Ewwwwwww" like a little girl was too much for Legolas. He collapsed on the floor giggling like a child. 


	2. Twincest?

Well, you asked for it so I delivered. Back by popular demand: The Joys of the Modern World. I haven't come up with a real plot line yet, so this chapter is going to be funny too. Yaay! It stars Legolas and Glorfindel again, as well as Haldir and the twins.  
  
Hi to Evelyn-aka-Evie, Laswen, KnowInsight, bratprincess and Mistress Moon Raven. Thanks for reviewing you guys.  
  
*  
  
Haldir, Elladan and Elrohir were locking up the offices on the top floors of the skyscraper. The building was owned by the elves, along with the company operated in it. The mortals, of course, had no idea that elves even existed. The offices were all locked and they were heading for the elevator when Elladan stopped suddenly.  
  
"Do you hear that?" he asked. Haldir and Elrohir both stopped and looked at him.  
  
"What is it?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"It sounds almost like laughing," Elladan answered.  
  
"Who would be laughing?" Haldir asked. "There's nobody left on this floor. We checked before we locked the offices." Elladan looked away. "Didn't we Elladan?"  
  
"Well, you know, I might have skipped a couple and just locked them... you know, to get the job done quicker..."  
  
Haldir rolled his eyes. "Lovely. Well, we should find them I suppose. Such a shame it would be if they were locked in all night."  
  
*  
  
When the three walked in five minutes later, Legolas was curled into a ball on the floor, laughing hysterically, and Glorfindel was still staring straight ahead with a blank expression of horror on his face.  
  
"Dare I even ask?" Haldir questioned.  
  
"He, he, he," Legolas managed to gasp out before convulsing into giggles again.  
  
"What in the name of the Valar..?" Elrohir leaned over and read over Glorfindel's shoulder. He laughed. "I think I know what's happened. 'Glorfindel and Elrond are in the throes of a passionate love affair'. He's been reading fanfictions. And apparently, not some of the better ones."  
  
Glorfindel chose that moment to speak again. "So, so wrong. So very wrong." Suddenly he looked at Elrohir. "Wait, you read these?"  
  
"Um, well..."  
  
"Yeah," Elladan said. "What? They're funny," he added.  
  
"But, but, it's me. And Elrond. And... ewww."  
  
This set Legolas (who had just started to calm down) off again. Elladan and Elrohir laughed too, and even Haldir started sniggering.  
  
"Don't feel too bad," Elladan reassured him.  
  
"Yeah, you should read the Legolas/Aragorn ones," Elrohir added. Legolas abruptly stopped laughing.  
  
"What?"  
  
It was Glorfindel's turn to start sniggering. "Where are they?" he demanded.  
  
"No, no, no. Not true," Legolas insisted.  
  
"What's the matter little princeling?" Glorfindel asked snottily. "Not so funny when it happens to you?"  
  
"Uh, pretty much, yeah," Legolas answered. The twins were standing between them, looking back and forth with amusement written across their faces. They were currently waiting for Glorfindel to reply to Legolas, but instead he looked at them.  
  
"I suppose you think this is terribly amusing."  
  
"Yeah," Elrohir answered nonchalantly.  
  
"It's not like we have to worry about anything," Elladan answered, finishing off his twin's thoughts as they so often did.  
  
"Are you so sure of that?" Haldir asked. All eyes turned to him.  
  
"YOU read fanfiction?" Legolas asked in surprise.  
  
"Well, you know... I may have, on occasion..." Elladan and Elrohir snorted with laughter. "I wouldn't find it so amusing if I were you. They have a word for you two together." They stopped laughing immediately; eyes opened wide, and subconsciously took a step back from each other.  
  
"You're kidding," Elladan decided.  
  
"Right?" Elrohir added hopefully.  
  
"What? You've never heard of twincest?" Both twins stopped breathing for an instant.  
  
"Twincest?" they repeated in unison. Glorfindel and Legolas both forgot about their problems and burst out laughing. The twins were convulsing too, but for slightly different reasons.  
  
"As absolutely sickening as... that would be with Aragorn, at the very least he isn't my twin brother," Legolas giggled.  
  
"Imagine what their babies would look like," Glorfindel gasped. Everyone stared at him.  
  
"You are aware that two males are not capable of reproducing children?" Haldir reminded him.  
  
"Despite some of the stories I've read..." Legolas couldn't resist adding.  
  
"Mostly about you and Aragorn," Elladan muttered.  
  
"I know that," Glorfindel answered. "But just imagine."  
  
"Well, children tend to be a blend of their parents. And seeing as how, being twins, they're completely identical..."  
  
"Shut up," Glorfindel ordered. 


	3. A Name to Live Up to

I've written another chapter. Oh the horror. I had to recruit bratprincess to help me with this. Thank you! And kudos to anyone who clues in on the company name.  
  
Hi to Evelyn-aka-Evie, KnowInsight, bratprincess, and Ionuin!  
  
*  
  
Three weeks later, Teleporno Industries was having a huge party. It was a corporate event, with the heads-human and elvish alike- of nearly every chain present. It was being held in Galadriel and Celeborn's extravagant Mexican mansion.  
  
Glorfindel was chatting with the female corporate head of the Halifax chain over a glass of red wine. She was human, and had no idea about the company's true existence, but Glorfindel couldn't help admiring her ample... skills. She was pretty with brown hair and eyes, and Glorfindel couldn't help but think of few different ways they could occupy the rest of the night.  
  
They were laughing, when Legolas came racing up, grinning like a little child.  
  
"You need to come with me right now," he said, barely suppressing little giggles.  
  
"I'm slightly busy right now," Glorfindel answered through gritted teeth.  
  
"No, you don't understand. We've found a computer."  
  
Smiling quickly at the girl, Glorfindel turned to Legolas with incredulity on his face. "So?"  
  
"Do you remember a few weeks ago, when we found that website?" Legolas persisted.  
  
A flash of what could have been nausea flashed across Glorfindel's face. "Yes. I do happen to remember. In fact, I think I will remember for the rest of my life- and that could be a VERY long time. So why don't you and the twins go back to your sickening little amusements and leave me be."  
  
"No, wait. Listen. It's..." he leaned closer, lowering his voice to a drastic whisper, "Haldir."  
  
Glorfindel stood stock straight. "Are you serious?" Legolas nodded exuberantly, and Glorfindel turned to the girl. "Excuse me sweetheart, something urgent has come up." He handed her his drink and ran off. She shrugged, taking a swig from each drink in turn, and surveyed the room for my gorgeous guys. There seemed to be quite a few present.  
  
A few feet away, Haldir was speaking with several different heads. Upon hearing his name, he excused himself quickly and snuck off after Legolas and Glorfindel.  
  
Countless stairs and doors later, they found the room. Elladan and Elrohir sat at the computer, laughing madly.  
  
"What's this about finding Haldir?" Glorfindel demanded.  
  
"Oh, we didn't just find fics about Haldir," Elladan said, snorting with laughter.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We found fics WRITTEN by Haldir."  
  
"Looklooklooklooklook!" Legolas screeched.  
  
Before he could, however, Haldir raced into the room, blocking the computer from view.  
  
"No," he stated flatly, abruptly turning the computer off.  
  
"Haldir," Legolas whined.  
  
"He's just embarrassed," Elladan said. "It must be something really bad then..."  
  
"Him and Celeborn!" Elrohir guessed, eyes flashing maliciously.  
  
Haldir shook his head, and to everyone's surprise he began to turn red. "No."  
  
"Then who?" Glorfindel demanded.  
  
"Me and Galadriel," he said quietly.  
  
For several moments, silence reigned as they all stared at him. The silence was broken by a new voice.  
  
"WHO and Galadriel?" Celeborn questioned, striding into the room. Two black- haired and three blond-haired heads all whipped around to stare at him. "Well?"  
  
"IjustrememberedIhavestufftodoplacestogothingstodomylifetoliveandyouknowI'dh atetogoanddierightnowanditdidn'tmeananythingandIhavetogonowbecauseIenjoylivi ngandpleasedon'teatmeandI'msorryandbye!" Haldir raced from the room as if a balrog were after him.  
  
"What in the name of the Valar is going on?" Celeborn demanded.  
  
"Uh, we found a story... about him... and Galadriel," Legolas explained. Silently, the agreed not to kill Haldir, and avoid mentioning the fact that he was the one to have written said fic.  
  
A brief array of emotions flashed across Celeborn's face, and then he shrugged, moving to turn the computer back on. "Fanfiction?"  
  
"Does EVERYBODY read these things?" Glorfindel demanded.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Oh, forget I asked."  
  
The telephone rang suddenly, and Celeborn picked it up. "Teleporno Industries." He began conversing in fluent Italian.  
  
Legolas began to giggle again, and Elladan snorted with laughter. Elrohir began snickering, and Glorfindel had to fight back a grin. They were still laughing when Celeborn hung up the phone. He stared at them.  
  
"What is so funny?"  
  
"T-teleporno Industries," Legolas giggled, his blond hair falling over his face.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm sorry, grandfather," Elrohir said. "But I have to ask. Why in the name of Elbereth would you call it Teleporno Industries? I mean, think about it, about what it sounds like."  
  
Celeborn glared at him. "Well it didn't mean THAT when I started the business."  
  
*  
  
The next week, a meeting was being held in the top floor of the building in London.  
  
"So we've decided that we're still safe from any mortal recognition," Celeborn announced. "Now if there's no further business..."  
  
Under the table, Elladan kicked his little brother, who sat up.  
  
"Wait!" Elrohir shouted.  
  
"Yes?" Celeborn asked.  
  
"We have further business," Elrohir said, fighting back a smirk. Elrond raised an eyebrow; he knew that look. "We think that this company should... live up to its name." Elrohir cleared his throat, to avoid laughing. Haldir, sitting as far from Celeborn as possible, began to rub his forehead. Legolas started to giggle and immediately slid down in his seat, and began coughing fakely to avoid embarrassment. Glorfindel wondered why he hadn't thought of it, and Elrond raised his eyes to the skies.  
  
A confused Erestor leaned over to Haldir. "How do we live up to the name of 'Silver-Tree'?" he asked, eyes wide. Haldir rolled his eyes.  
  
"Elladan and I would like to head the new project, along the with a few beautiful elleths." Elladan kicked his brother again. "Ow! Recruits. I meant recruits." 


	4. Missing

To clear up any confusion, Teleporno is Celeborn's Quenyan name. It means Silver-Tree, and there's really nothing dirty about it. Unfortunately for Celeborn, we all know how it ends up sounding to the perverted ear of the average person these days.  
  
*  
  
The music pounded in their ears, bright lights flashing as the twins surveyed the bar.  
  
"Over there," Elladan yelled into Elrohir's ear, pointing over the bar where a girl with the long dark hair sat alone. They made their way over to her, one sitting on either side of her. The girl looked to be about 25. She was tall, with fair skin, and pre-dominantly blue eyes. Simultaneously, the twins agreed without speaking that she was a perfect place to start.  
  
The girl looked from one to the other, an almost bored expression on her face. "Can I help you?"  
  
"What's your name?" Elladan, on her right, asked.  
  
"Kat."  
  
"Well, Kat, have you heard of a business called Teleporno Industries?"  
  
She nodded. "Yeah. My friend works for them." Elladan raised an eyebrow at his twin.  
  
"We'd like to offer you a job," Elrohir announced.  
  
"A job?" she repeated, not buying it.  
  
"Yes. You see, Teleporno Industries has decided to... expand our horizons, as it were."  
  
"Meaning what, exactly."  
  
"We've decided to live up to our name," Elladan explained.  
  
"You're living up to the name of Teleporno Industries?" she asked, looking at Elladan and licking her lips.  
  
He grinned. "Yes."  
  
"And you'd like my... help with this project?" She turned to Elrohir seductively. He nodded his head, leaning in closer to her. She turned back to Elladan, moving until her face was about two inches from his. "Well, that does sound like... fun." Suddenly, without either of them anticipating it, she slapped Elladan across the face with a resounding smack. "Unfortunately, I'm going to have to turn your offer down." Before either of them could say a word, she had marched off, leaving the two of them behind.  
  
"Ow," Elladan said, rubbing his cheek ruefully. "I'm beginning to know how Jack felt." Elrohir laughed, examining the drink the girl had left behind. "Hey, why weren't we in that movie? We were there."  
  
Elrohir gave his brother an exasperated look, as he sniffed the drink. "They don't even think Jack Sparrow is a real person, dickwad. Besides, we can hardly go about announcing the fact that we've been alive since the beginning of time. What in hell is this?"  
  
"It was hardly the beginning of time," Elladan muttered. "We weren't there when father was born. And it's a screwdriver."  
  
Elrohir shook his head, taking a sip. "There's no vodka! It's just orange juice." He put the glass back down, looking disgruntled. "Well, shall we get on with it?"  
  
Elladan perked up. "After all, this bar is swimming with girls. We're bound to find someone!"  
  
Thirty minutes and seven slaps later, they were examining the room once more.  
  
"There!" Elladan pointed to a table where a blonde sat hunched over her drink, her back to them. Elrohir's eyes narrowed. There was something vaguely familiar about her...  
  
"Elladan, I really don't think..." he began, but his twin had already walked away.  
  
Elladan walked over to the girl. "Hey sweetheart, mind if I j-LEGOLAS?" For it was, in fact, the face of his friend that turned to look at him, his big blue eyes unnaturally wide.  
  
"H-hi Elladan," he sniffled.  
  
Elrohir joined them, sitting at the table. "Legolas, what in the name of all things beautiful are you doing here?"  
  
"Just being miserable," the blond answered, staring despondently into his alcoholic beverage of choice. The twins shared worried looks; usually Legolas was off somewhere giggling like a child, he was never depressed like this. The former prince of mirkwood sighed, pouting as tears slipped down his cheek.  
  
"Uh, Legolas, is something wrong?" Elladan finally asked. Legolas looked up at him, tears pooling in his eyes.  
  
"I m-m-miss Aragorn!" he wailed, burying his head in Elladan's chest as he began to sob. Unsure of what to do, Elladan began rubbing his back as soothingly as possible, trying to avoid the strange looks he was receiving.  
  
"Legolas," Elrohir said quietly, "You do realize Aragorn has been dead for over 30 000 years."  
  
"Why d'you have to remind me?" Legolas sobbed loudly. "Why, why, why?" With each why he pounded on the table, each time progressively louder.  
  
"People are staring," Elladan hissed.  
  
"Oh, let them stare! I don't care anymore!" the blond screamed. "I just want him back!"  
  
"Legolas, why the sudden array of emotions?" Elrohir asked. "I mean, obviously you were upset when he died, but why is it suddenly bothering you now?"  
  
Legolas looked at him, tears streaming down his face as he sniffled violently. "Because...sniffle...I just...sniffle...remembered...sniffle...how he was...sniffle...so very...sniffle...PRETTY!"  
  
With his final explosion, Legolas threw himself at Elladan, shaking as the sobs wracked his body. As the Elrohir exchanged a look with Elladan over Legolas' sobbing head, he couldn't help but think that something was very, VERY wrong. 


	5. Like Father Like Son

Yay! More!  
  
Bratprincess: You know perfectly well what I'd do if the twins propositioned me. Say 'hell yes!' and drag them to the nearest hotel/deserted alley/table. And hey look! SKT is in this one! Yay!  
  
And now for chapter 5, starring Legolas, Elladan, Elrohir, Erestor, SKT and Aragorn?  
  
*  
  
~In that very secret place where the souls of the Middle-Earthians who died go~  
  
Aragorn dodged the shot-glass aimed at his head. "Arwen, darling, calm down."  
  
"Calm down?" his wife shrieked. "Calm down? I'll show you calm down!" She grabbed at the nearest object, which happened to be Pippin, who had snuck in to watch the yelling.  
  
"Hey! It's me!" he cried.  
  
"Oh, sorry." She grabbed a heavy book off the nightstand and threw it at Aragorn, missing his face by maybe an inch and hitting the wall instead. Aragorn stared at the place where his head had been and back at her.  
  
"Arwen, sweetheart, I don't understand."  
  
She laughed coldly. "Oh, you don't understand, don't you? That's really rich Aragorn. Really, really rich." She picked up the lamp and tossed it, aiming directly between his legs. Aragorn gave a 'Yipe!' and dived away.  
  
"What did I do?" he asked pitifully.  
  
"You and LEGOLAS!" she screamed. "How could you??"  
  
"WHAT?" Aragorn cried. "Me and L-what?? I never, ever... it's Legolas!"  
  
"You liar! I know you did. Admit it!"  
  
"I can't admit it, there's nothing to admit. It's LEGOLAS."  
  
"I was watching them, and Legolas was going on and on about how much he missed his precious Aragorn. You lying, cheating BASTARD!" Arwen ran over and kicked her husband in the arse. Then she covered her mouth in shock as he disappeared.  
  
~Back on earth~  
  
The twins had somehow managed to coerce Erestor into one of the offices. They, along with Legolas, had taken it upon themselves to introduce Erestor to exactly what Teleporno Industries had to live up to.  
  
"Oh m-my," he said, staring at the screen, horror-stricken. Legolas gave half a giggle, but his heart wasn't really into it as he still missed Aragorn. The twins shared malicious grins; revenge upon their old tutor was sweet.  
  
"Shame Haldir had to miss this," Elladan muttered. "Where is he, anyway?"  
  
"Celeborn transferred him. To Guatemala," Elrohir snickered.  
  
"Do we even HAVE a chain in Guatemala?"  
  
"We do now."  
  
"Are there any other of these... stories that are not quite so... explicit?" Erestor asked. Elladan, Elrohir and Legolas all looked at each other.  
  
"I don't know," Legolas admitted. "I've never checked."  
  
Eventually they did find a story. One that began to depress Legolas anymore.  
  
"B-but, my father would never do something like that," he protested, looking like a kicked puppy dog. "H-he loves me. He'd n-never s-s-sell me as a slave f-for treasure and j-jewels, w-would he?" His lower lip was beginning to quiver.  
  
"Oh come on, Legolas," Elrohir assured him. "It's just a story. The elves don't even HAVE slaves, remember? How could he sell you as one?"  
  
Legolas didn't look entirely convinced. "H-he does love me though, r-right? T-tell me he l-loves me. He'd n-never do that, r-right? I can't s-stand it if he d-doesn't l-love me either." Tears were beginning to well in Legolas' eyes.  
  
"Oh, well done Erestor," Elladan growled. "Out of all the stories out there, you HAD to go and find one where Legolas' father beat him. We're trying to get his mind OFF his troubles, not add more."  
  
Legolas, meanwhile, was trying to convince Elrohir that his father did, in fact, love him. Unfortunately, it was turning out to be Elrohir who did most of the convincing.  
  
"A-ada loves me, r-right? He's n-never k-kicked or hit me, and he n-never would, r-right?"  
  
At that moment, the object of their discussions entered the room. He was dressed in a black suit with a high collar. The white shirt beneath was ruffled and he wore a black tie. Black leather gloves covered his hands, and his long blond hair was tied back loosely. There was an odd look about him; as if he knew something the others did not. Putting on an innocent look, he moved toward them.  
  
Legolas looked up, apparently not noticing the odd look his father had. "Ada, y-you love me, r-right?"  
  
"Of course I do, Legolas," he assured his son. But he was not looking at Legolas. His sultry eyes were fixated on Erestor, who inched away rather nervously.  
  
"King Thranduil, are you alright?" Elladan asked. Thranduil waved an arm impatiently.  
  
"Of course! I'm fine." His eyes still hadn't left Erestor's face, who was looking more and more nervous.  
  
Before anything more could be said, however, there was a large thump. All eyes turned to look at the disheveled figure that had just appeared in the corner. It was quiet for a moment as Aragorn looked up at them, grey eyes very confused.  
  
"How did I get here?"  
  
Nobody had a chance to answer, because Legolas took it upon himself to personally give Aragorn a very personal greeting.  
  
"Aragorn!" he shrieked, leaping up and jumping on top of the former king of Gondor. He straddled his friend's stomach and began kissing him madly. Aragorn couldn't even speak; he was in shock.  
  
The twins watched in bemusement for several long seconds, but decided it was probably time to intervene when Legolas began removing Aragorn's shirt. This, however, proved more difficult than first thought, as Legolas seemed very reluctant to relinquish his friend. Therefore, untangling Legolas from Aragorn required both twins full effort.  
  
Which left Thranduil and Erestor.  
  
Thranduil edged toward Erestor. Thranduil looked Erestor up and down and licked his lips. Erestor had the sense to quiver. He wasn't sure if it was the good kind of quiver, or the bad kind.  
  
"They're rather preoccupied, wouldn't you say?" Thranduil asked. Erestor nodded, his eyes very wide. "Now, wouldn't you like to see what those... 'fics' are REALLY like?" sex-kitten Thranduil purred. Erestor nodded again, unable to do anything else. Erestor pounced on him, knocking him to the ground. He quickly removed his tie and used it to tie Erestor's hands behind his back. He sat up and looked around. Spying Aragorn's removed shirt a few feet away, he grabbed it and ripped off the sleeve, using it to gag Erestor. Then, slinging said elf over his shoulder, he left the room, looking very pleased with himself.  
  
Twenty minutes, three ripped shirts, two swollen pairs of lips and one very nearly almost removed pair of breeches later, Elladan and Elrohir finally succeeded in removing Legolas from Aragorn. They were all breathing heavily (although Legolas and Aragorn for a very different reason) and Legolas looked very pleased with himself. Aragorn, on the other hand, looked traumatized for life.  
  
"Explain?" he begged his foster brothers.  
  
"That's rather difficult, as we're not exactly sure ourselves," Elrohir said, trying to hold back a squirming Legolas. "But we think it has something to do with the fics."  
  
"Fics?" Aragorn repeated, looking confused. Elrohir sighed.  
  
"We have A LOT to talk about."  
  
Elladan, meanwhile, was looking around. "Where'd Thranduil and Erestor go?" 


	6. Vague Explanations

Sorry for the slight delay in updates. School's back after a week off, which means that free time is increasingly harder to come by. I'm currently writing it out in class and typing it up the first chance I get. I'll update as often as possible!  
  
And to explain about the company. The buildings hold offices, but they also hold apartments for the elves.  
  
*  
  
"Hey! Legolas, get off." Aragorn grunted as he tried to push the exuberant elf off him. "What in the name of the Valar has gotten into you?"  
  
Legolas began to giggle wildly, giving Aragorn wanton looks at the same time. "I missed you," he whispered. Aragorn's eyes widened as he backed into a wall.  
  
"Legolas, bugger off," Elladan ordered, grabbing the squirming prince and holding him back.  
  
"But it's my love!" Legolas protested, trying to break free. "I've been waiting for this opportunity for 30 000 years. Don't you want me to be happy?" He began to sniffle.  
  
"Here we go again," Elladan muttered.  
  
Aragorn looked close to tears himself. "What has happened?" he asked. "Why is Legolas so... that. What happened to him? Would you PLEASE explain?"  
  
"Yes," Elladan promised, trying to maintain his hold on Legolas. "Just as soon as we take care of Don Juan here."  
  
Aragorn was about to ask whom Don Juan was when Elrohir returned with LOTS of rope.  
  
After several minutes, near escapes, and Aragorn-maulings, they finally had Legolas sitting unhappily on the floor, arms and legs bound tightly.  
  
"What do we do with him now?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"Take him to his father," Elladan suggested. "He deserves to be stuck with him for awhile."  
  
"How do you propose we get him there? His feet are bound," Elrohir pointed out. And evil glint flashed in Elladan's eyes.  
  
The twins and their foster brother walked to Thranduil's room (possibly taking a longer route than necessary) dragging Legolas behind them with a long piece of rope.  
  
Elladan was about to knock on the door, but paused as something caught his attention.  
  
"What's that sound?" Legolas asked innocently from the floor, blinking up at them. Horrific realization dawned over the twins' faces and Aragorn gulped as they realized just what those sounds were.  
  
"Uh... maybe we should come by later," Elrohir suggested.  
  
"Why?" Legolas asked, frowning.  
  
"I think your father's rather... busy at the moment," Elladan said.  
  
"Too b-busy for me? But I thought he l-loved m-m-me. Ada! D-don't you l- love me?" Legolas began to sob loudly, thankfully concealing a shouted name from inside the room. His sobs reached a piercing intensity, and the twins held their sensitive ears desperately.  
  
"We have to get him to stay quiet," Aragorn yelled.  
  
"Are there any sedatives nearby?" Elladan cried to his brother.  
  
Elrohir shook his head. "No!"  
  
"Well, back to the tried and true method." Elladan grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher, knocking Legolas unconscious with it. Their ears rang as silence took over. Then, before anybody could come out to see what was wrong, they took off for the twins' apartment; Legolas bouncing behind them, no longer capable of complaining about carpet burns.  
  
They deposited Legolas unceremoniously in the hall. Elladan grabbed three bottles of rum and they sat down.  
  
"What," asked Aragorn, "Has happened? Why is Legolas behaving like a child and Thranduil like a, a..."  
  
"Sex kitten?" Elrohir offered.  
  
"Yes, a-" he turned to look at the twin. "WHAT is a sex kitten?"  
  
Elladan sighed. "Drink up, Estel. You're going to need it."  
  
*  
  
Sometime later, things began to make more sense to Aragorn. Although then again, it may have just been the alcohol.  
  
"So the people who live in this world think what happened to us is a story."  
  
"Yes. A fictional story," Elladan said.  
  
"Fictional?"  
  
"Not real... made up," he explained.  
  
"But why would they think that?"  
  
"Well maybe if SOMEONE hadn't gotten drunk and told Tolkien..." Elrohir muttered.  
  
"It wasn't me!" Elladan insisted.  
  
"And they write stories about us?" Aragorn continued, ignoring their arguing. "Called fics." Elrohir nodded. "I THINK I mostly understand. But what does this have to do with Legolas' behaviour?"  
  
"We think some of the fics may be turning to reality, somehow," Elrohir said. Aragorn frowned in confusion. "Y'see, there are a lot of fics out there about you... and Legolas."  
  
"Well I should hope so," Aragorn exclaimed. "We were in the fellowship together. He's one of my best friends! Or at least, the old one was."  
  
Elladan snorted with laughter. "You misunderstand, Estel. There are stories about you and Legolas. Together."  
  
"You mean... the way he was trying to be together earlier?"  
  
Both twins nodded.  
  
"Will this start affecting me too?"  
  
"Possibly," Elrohir said. "So far we've only noticed it with Legolas and Thranduil."  
  
Aragorn sunk down in his seat. "Arwen is going to kill me."  
  
Out of nowhere, a blond blur catapulted across the room, landing square on Aragorn's lap. "I'll kiss it better!" Legolas offered with a broad grin.  
  
Elrohir smacked his head against the wall as Aragorn desperately tried to rid himself of Legolas. Observing them all for a moment, Elladan downed his rum in five gulps. 


	7. I Thought it was Just the Blonds

Yay! I FINALLY got the next chapter done. Be very, very proud.  
  
*  
  
Elrond walked down the hall, murmuring an Elvish greeting to the twins and Aragorn as they passed him. Then he stopped and blinked. What, exactly, had been in that coffee that Galadriel had so sweetly prepared? He could have sworn he had just seen Aragorn walk by with the twins. He turned around. Sure enough, three dark heads were walking away from him, the one in the middle significantly lighter and indefinitely human.  
  
"Elladan. Elrohir. Aragorn." Elrond spoke in his best pissed-off-father voice, still well trained despite (or maybe because of) the passing of 30 000 years.  
  
The three turned around, eyes wide with guilt. "Yes Ada?" they asked in unison, voices as sweet as possible.  
  
"Explain." They hesitated, looking at the floor, the ceiling, each other- anywhere but the pissed off half-elf. "Now!"  
  
At Elrond's barked order, they all jumped and broke into rushed speech.  
  
"Well, you see-"  
  
"It all started last week-"  
  
"-And she got mad at me-"  
  
"At the party-you remember the party?"  
  
"We met this girl at the bar- man, was she hot."  
  
"-Really, REALLY mad at me-"  
  
"Elladan, would you get over that girl? She has nothing to do with anything."  
  
"But she was hot! Although she did slap me..."  
  
"-I mean REALLY mad at me-"  
  
"-And then Legolas was sad-"  
  
"-We were showing Erestor-"  
  
"-She tried to throw a lamp at my crotch!"  
  
"-And out of nowhere-"  
  
"-Aragorn appeared-"  
  
"-And Legolas tried to rape me!"  
  
"Enough!" Elrond yelled. "I haven't the faintest idea what any of you have said so far. Aragorn, why are you here?"  
  
"Arwen kicked me out," the man muttered gloomily.  
  
Elrond's eye narrowed. "Why?'  
  
"Oh sure, take her side," Elladan muttered.  
  
"I heard that!" Elrond snapped. "Be more respectful of your sister. She's dead."  
  
"So is Aragorn!" Elladan retorted. "Except, you know, he's here."  
  
"And I mean, she really kicked me out. Literally." Aragorn rubbed his bum ruefully. "It hurt."  
  
"And why, pray tell, did she kick you out in the first place?"  
  
"Uh, well..." Aragorn began to turn red. "She may have... misinterpreted something she overheard."  
  
"What did she overhear?" Elrond's voice was threatening, and Aragorn put on his best I'm-innocent-don't-eat-me smile. Unfortunately, the effect was rather dulled when he appeared to be thirty instead of ten.  
  
"She kind of heard Legolas moaning about how much he missed me and..." Aragorn trailed off. Elrond's eyes had widened to horrific proportions, and his head looked ready to explode.  
  
"You, you..." Evidently Elrond couldn't figure out a word bad enough to describe Aragorn. "You cheated on my baby girl? With LEGOLAS?"  
  
The twins' eyes had widened warningly, but Elrond didn't notice until he heard the voice behind him.  
  
"Why does everybody always say it like that?" Legolas' quavering voice demanded.  
  
Elrond turned around, staring incredulously at the prince that slowly seemed to be falling apart. "What?"  
  
"With LEOGLAS?" he repeated, mimicking Elrond's tone. "You say it horrifically, like it's bad enough that he's cheated on her, but the fact it was with me makes it absolutely despicable."  
  
"I didn't cheat on Arwen!" Aragorn exploded.  
  
"No, of course not." Legolas' blue eyes filled with tears yet again. "You'd never do anything to make me happy."  
  
"Sorry?" Aragorn offered helplessly. Legolas' eyes had taken on a strange glint.  
  
"Legolas," Elrond interrupted. "Are you feeling well?"  
  
"Of course," the blond answered half-heartedly. Elrond looked to the twins for help, but they shook their heads, not understanding themselves.  
  
"I suppose you had to though," Legolas continued. "You've always been so noble. That's what I've liked about you." He eyed the man seductively, drawing closer. "Well, part of it anyway."  
  
"Thank you?" Aragorn said, trying to break away inconspicuously so that Legolas would not be offended.  
  
"Oh yes. So very, very... noble."  
  
Without warning, Legolas leaped at Aragorn, knocking him to the ground and holding him down with a forceful kiss.  
  
At first Aragorn squirmed desperately, trying to break free. But gradually he began to realize that it wasn't so bad. In fact, he rather enjoyed it. And before he even realized what he was doing, he was kissing the thrilled Legolas back.  
  
Elrond stared at them with a sort of horrified hypnosis. The twins rolled their eyes, ready to try to pull the prince away yet again. Then they realized that the exchange before them was hardly one-sided. Their eyes widened.  
  
"Damn! I thought it was just the blonds!" Elrohir said as they struggled to pull the pair apart. It was significantly more difficult that before, as now Aragorn was less than eager to leave Legolas.  
  
"Stop it now!" Elrond yelled, finally coming to his senses.  
  
Legolas would have happily ignored him except that Aragorn pulled away, having had a bad flashback to the time Elrond had caught him with Arwen... in reverse clothing. He stared up at Elrond guiltily.  
  
"I thought you said you'd never cheated on my daughter."  
  
"I didn't before!" Aragorn insisted. "But well... she's not here right now. And SHE kicked ME out."  
  
The expression on Elrond's face changed, but not for the better. In fact, he looked about ready to throttle his former foster son.  
  
"No, Ada, wait. It's not his fault," Elrohir said, saving the man's life. Aragorn nodded enthusiastically.  
  
"Not my fault," he repeated.  
  
Elrond arched an eyebrow. "Debatable." He turned to his younger son. "Explain."  
  
Elrohir gulped, trying to think of the best way to word it. "Uh, well..."  
  
Elladan jumped in. "Ada, have you ever heard of fanfiction?"  
  
Elrond's face paled.  
  
*  
  
While the twins tried to explain things to their father, Legolas edged closer to Aragorn, watching Elrond warily. Out of the corner of his eye, Aragorn watched him. Legolas reached him, placing a hand on his leg. Aragorn grew dizzy as the bloody rushed out of his head and down further south.  
  
"Hi," Legolas said, grinning giddily.  
  
"Hi," Aragorn answered, rather breathlessly.  
  
Legolas cast one more look at the Noldor before looking back at Aragorn, leaning in close. He pressed his lips against Aragorn's ear, whispering softly.  
  
"The elevator is just down the hall. Be quiet."  
  
Aragorn stared at him for a moment. "Elevator?"  
  
"Come on!" Legolas hissed, grabbing his hand and sneaking off down the hall.  
  
*  
  
Elladan looked around as Elrohir finished their explanations.  
  
"Uh, where did Damon and Pythias go?"  
  
Elrohir and Elrond looked around.  
  
"Shit," Elrohir said solidly.  
  
"You know, this kills our theory too," Elladan pointed out.  
  
"Theory?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Well, so far we've only noticed this in blonds- Legolas and Thranduil specifically. SO we were thinking it at least starts with the... less intelligent, so to speak. But Aragorn has dark hair, so..."  
  
"He is human," Elrond pointed out, rather unkindly.  
  
The twins shared a glance. "It's true," Elrohir admitted. "It could be the more feeble-minded who fall to this."  
  
"Erestor," Elladan said. Elrohir's face fell.  
  
"Forgot about that."  
  
"What happened with Erestor?" Elrond demanded suspiciously.  
  
"Ada, I don't think you really want to know." 


	8. And I Don't Speak Guatemalan

Elladan collapsed on the floor as soon as they entered the apartment. "I'm going insane," he announced.  
  
"And just think: it's only just begun," Elrohir reminded him.  
  
"Don't tell me that," Elladan groaned. "Think optimistically. Maybe it won't spread anymore."  
  
Elrohir gave his brother a skeptical look, but the phone rang before he could say anything. "Hello?" he said, after picking it up. There was brief pause, during which a smirk spread across the younger twin's face. "Haldir! How are you? How's Guatemala?"  
  
Elladan immediately perked up, flipping on the speakerphone. "Having fun?"  
  
The could practically feel his icy glare.  
  
"Did you know," Haldir asked, "That not only is there no office here, Celeborn had me dumped off on the side of some fuck-forsaken road with no lodging, no food, and no money. And I don't speak Guatemalan."  
  
"Uh, Haldir? Guatemalan isn't a language," Elladan informed him. "They speak Spanish."  
  
"Not here they don't," Haldir insisted. "They speak a language all their own." There were some loud noises in the background. "No, you fuckmoot. I don't want your bloody goat. No. Fuck off. You've got mud in my hair."  
  
Elladan and Elrohir resisted the urge to burst out laughing.  
  
"Haldir, where exactly are you?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"Elbereth knows. All I can say is that there are goats. Lots of goats." He sighed heavily. "You have to convince Celeborn to let me come back. I'm going mad."  
  
"We can try, but he was pretty pissed. Don't get your hopes up."  
  
"How are things there?" Haldir inquired.  
  
"Gone straight to hell," Elrohir answered.  
  
"What's happened?"  
  
"Well it all started when we found Legolas crying over Aragorn."  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"Nope. He'd suddenly remembered how very p-p-pretty he was." Elladan did a very good job of imitating pitiful Legolas.  
  
"By the Valar..."  
  
"Oh it gets better. Aragorn suddenly showed up."  
  
"What? How?"  
  
"Don't know. But Legolas nearly raped him multiple times before he finally realized their feelings were mutual and they disappeared."  
  
"What evil is behind all this?" Haldir questioned.  
  
"Fanfiction," Elladan announced gloomily.  
  
"And you've been officially replaced as office whore."  
  
"What?" There was a slight note of urgency in Haldir's voice.  
  
"Thranduil's been prancing around, acting like a sex kitten and sleeping with next to everyone."  
  
"But not with my Celeborn, right?" Haldir demanded impatiently.  
  
Silence reigned as it registered exactly WHAT he'd just said.  
  
"MY Celeborn?" the twins repeated in unison, sharing a glance.  
  
"Well, uh, you know..." Haldir stuttered. "Oh, come on. Look at him. He's gorgeous. Is that my fault?"  
  
"Blonds again," Elladan muttered.  
  
"You mean to tell me," Haldir continued, "That for all your making fun of him, you've never wondered why he's called Teleporno?"  
  
"No," Elrohir said decidedly.  
  
"You mean you've never-"  
  
"No," Elladan repeated, not especially wanting to hear the end of that statement.  
  
"Well- would you kindly remove your goat as it is currently humping my leg- you don't know what you're missing. I'm getting out of here before these goats decide my clothing is food. At least TRY to convince Celeborn to bring me back, please?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"How utterly convincing," Haldir muttered dryly.  
  
They had only just hung up when a loud pounding came at the door and Celeborn burst in without bothering to wait for an answer.  
  
"I need you to get Haldir back here immediately," he ordered, sounding panicked.  
  
"But we don't know where he is, outside of Guatemala," Elrohir protested.  
  
"I don't care! Get him back here. Something's... come up."  
  
As soon as he'd left, Elladan collapsed on the floor again, whimpering at the thought of horrific sexual innuendos to come. 


	9. Mad Coppulating Hobbits

I wrote this part while I was waiting in line to get my seats for Trilogy Tuesday. That's right. I've seen Return of the King. Twice, actually, even though it just came out yesterday. If you haven't seen it, GO! Now! What are you waiting for? Go!  
  
And if any of you happen to be from Cape Breton, I apologize for poking fun at you. Unless, of course, you're the morons who were on the train staring and pointing at me last March. I realize the majority of people aren't like that. I'm just being incredibly stereotypical. And please excuse my pitiful attempts at a stereotypical Cape Breton accent.  
  
*  
  
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Curlish Curly's Capital Circus of Doom! I'm your ringmaster Sean, and this is the most amazing show on the planet!"  
  
The short man grinned exuberantly as he bounced around; dark curls falling into his piercing blue eyes.  
  
"Now if I could just find my assistant Elijah..."  
  
"Here I am Mr. Sean, sir!"  
  
A blond man came running out. He was the same height as the first- barely surpassing three feet.  
  
"Ah, wonderful. Now that my assistant's arrived, we can commence. And on with the show!"  
  
In a spectacular show of fireworks, ringmaster Frodo and his assistant Sam disappeared backstage.  
  
"How has my life sunk so low?" Glorfindel moaned, imitating his life and sinking down in his seat, nestled among screaming children at Curlish Curly's Capital Circus of Doom.  
  
"Oh, don't be such an arse," Rúmil admonished, leaning forward in his seat and munching on popcorn. "Relax. Enjoy yourself. Have fun!"  
  
Glorfindel glared at him. "How can I enjoy myself if these children insist upon screaming in my ear?" As his voice rose in pitch, the children nearest him grew suddenly quiet. "Why are we here again?"  
  
"Because we're one of the few elves left who haven't been affected by fanfiction. We have to get Frodo and Sam."  
  
Glorfindel grumbled something unintelligible.  
  
"Hey, look on the bright side," Rúmil the eternal optimist offered. "We could be trying to find Gimli."  
  
*  
  
"No I don't KNOW his name," Orophin yelled over the loud noise of machinery.  
  
"What? How canya be lookin' for someone if ya dunno their name?"  
  
It took Orophin a moment to decipher through the accent. "Because when I knew him he went by a different name. I don't know what he calls himself now."  
  
"That's crazy! An old high school friend, and ya don't even know his name? Not even the slightest bit o'a clue?"  
  
Orophin shrugged. "John?"  
  
"Ah there we go! A name I can work with." Orophin felt relieved. "Now, what's his last name?"  
  
The elf closed his eyes, taking several deep, calming breathes. "I. Don't. Know."  
  
"Oh. Well, can't help you then. Sorry."  
  
Orophin's eyes flashed and he felt more like his former Galadhrim warrior self than he had in ages. "It's fucking Cape Breton. How many fucking people can there be who are short with red bushy hair and a long beard?"  
  
"I-Ill see what I can do," the man promised, bustling off. He returned a short time later. "I think ah've found the man you're looking for. John Gloinson."  
  
Behind him came an agitated looking Gimli. "Och," he growled. "Who disturbed my min-oh. It's you."  
  
He glared at Orophin, who looked at the foreman pointedly. If you'll excuse us, I need to speak to... John privately." A trace of anger still remained in his eyes, sending the foreman off quickly.  
  
"What do you want?" Gimli demanded.  
  
"We need you to come to New York. There have been some... problems."  
  
"Just what might those problems be?"  
  
Orophin decided to go with honesty. "The fate of the modern world as we know it is being held in the hands of a bunch of sex-crazed maniacs."  
  
*  
  
"Good show, Mr. Frodo," Sam said as they sat in their trailer afterward.  
  
"How many times must I remind you to call me Sean?"  
  
"Sorry Mr. Frodo."  
  
Sighing, Frodo turned around and saw Glorfindel and Rúmil enter the trailer. "Oh no."  
  
"Nice to see you to," Glorfindel replied.  
  
"Why are you here?" asked Sam. "And how did you find us?"  
  
Glorfindel rolled his eyes. "It was hardly difficult. All you did was take the names of the actors who play you and switch. And you're a ringMASTER? How very original."  
  
Frodo frowned and Sam looked hurt, so Rúmil was quick to reassure them.  
  
"Not that it was necessarily a BAD idea, mind. In fact, it was very well thought out. But you have to understand; we've been perfecting breaking codes and the likes for centuries. And Glorfindel's got a stick up his rear because he's been having a bad day." Rúmil smacked Glorfindel's arm hard.  
  
Frodo sighed, resigning himself to the fact that they were here, and were not leaving. "What is it you want then? Not another ring to destroy, I hope."  
  
Rúmil laughed. "Oh no. Nothing so bad as that."  
  
"Speak for yourself," Glorfindel retorted. "The thought of fancying Elrond and chasing after him like a giddy little schoolgirl is hardly appealing to me."  
  
"Shut UP," Rúmil hissed, glaring at him.  
  
Frodo and Sam were both looking more and more suspicious.  
  
"What is it you ant with us?" Sam demanded. "Have you not put Mr. Frodo in enough danger?"  
  
"It's not dangerous," Rúmil assured him.  
  
"That would depend," Glorfindel muttered, "On whether he enjoys being chased around for maniacal sexual activities."  
  
Both hobbits paled and Rúmil whirled on Glorfindel. "Alright. You-out!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"No! Out!"  
  
'But-"  
  
"I'm tired of you being mean and messing things up. Out!"  
  
"You can't order me! I have superiority!"  
  
"Don't care! Out out out out out!" Rúmil pushed the older elf out of the trailer and slammed the door, locking it behind him. Then, for spite, he stuck his tongue out at the door. Rúmil turned back to the hobbits. "Please, just let me explain."  
  
*  
  
Glorfindel sat outside the trailer, idly braiding his hair. A tall redhead passed by and smiled at him. He followed her with his eyes appreciatively, wishing he could go with her. Preferably to a hotel room or apartment. Rúmil would kill him though. On the other hand, fuck only knew how long he had before he found Elrond (Glorfindel shuddered physically) sexy. And it might be only a matter of days before Rúmil was in love with him. Glorfindel jumped to his feet, racing after the girl. "Excuse me!"  
  
*  
  
"Well?" Rúmil looked at Frodo and Sam hopefully.  
  
"I don't know..." Frodo looked at Sam.  
  
"It's your decision, Mr. Frodo, sir."  
  
"Sam, please stop calling me sir."  
  
"Sorry sir."  
  
Frodo looked at Rúmil. "Do you know for sure this will affect us?"  
  
The elf shook his head. "No. But if it does, where you are won't matter. It would be better for you to be in New York, where an eye can be kept on you. After all, you work in a children's circus. Best not to terrify the children with mad copulating hobbits." Frodo and Sam stared at him. "Sorry. Twisted sense of humour."  
  
Frodo sighed again, rubbing his forehead. "Alright. We'll go."  
  
"Oh boy!" Rúmil jumped up. "Let's go."  
  
"Now?"  
  
"No, next year. Yes now."  
  
"But there's stuff," Sam protested. "We have to take care of."  
  
"Already done. Come on!" Rúmil grabbed their arms and pulled them outside. "Fuck."  
  
"What's wrong? Frodo asked.  
  
"Glorfindel's gone." Rúmil frowned for a moment, then his expression brightened again. "Oh well."  
  
"Shouldn't we wait for him?"  
  
"No!" Rúmil yelled, pulling them down the street. "He left. He can find his own way to New York."  
  
"But we're in Albuquerque!" 


	10. Brother Mine

I just saw Orlando Bloom on TV! He's so cute. Oh, and I apologize for the fact that the editing on this is shite. I'm just trying to get the chapters up.  
  
Bratprincess- Hobnob cookies! And Faramir!  
  
Lady LeBeau- I love you. Seriously. You're like, my new hero.  
  
Jordan- Although I seriously doubt you'll read this since you didn't seem to be able to make it past the first chapter, I'd just like to point out that you spelled 'piece' wrong. I don't know what fanfictions you've been reading, but a lot of them are like that. Oh, and if you're the basis of what good writing should be, I'd rather not be a good writer.  
  
*  
  
The head elves were all gathered in the huge conference room of the New York office. This, however, was most definitely not your average meeting. Galadriel sat at the head of the table, and at the other end was Elrond- both were still quite sane. Celebrían had flown in from London and sat to the left of her husband, glaring at Thranduil who was eyeing him. Celeborn sat to Galadriel's right, playing footsies with Haldir, who sat on her left. Orophin was sitting beside his older brother, smacking him when the occasional misplaced sensual foot brushed up his leg. Rúmil sat on his other side, beside Legolas. Thranduil sat beside Celeborn, looking bored in his sex kitten way. Erestor was on his other side. Legolas was holding hands with Aragorn, who was beside him. Frodo, across from Legolas and beside Erestor, stared at them in horror, as did Sam. Even Gimli, on Sam's other side, looked shocked instead of his usual unfazed self. Elladan was sitting beside Aragorn, his head resting forlornly on the table. Glorfindel sat next to them, sharing a look with Elrohir across from him.  
  
Thranduil drummed his fingers impatiently. "Why are we here?" he asked.  
  
"We are here," Galadriel announced dramatically, "Because a great evil threatens to consume us all."  
  
Celeborn rolled his eyes at Haldir, who grinned back rather seductively.  
  
Erestor raised his hand tentatively. "I apologize my lady, but I don't see what the problem is."  
  
"That's just because you're finally getting laid," Glorfindel growled.  
  
Erestor was about to say more, but Thranduil's hand slipped under the table and instead his eyes widened, his mouth dropped open, and he half choked. Frodo backed away until he was practically in Sam's lap.  
  
Legolas yawned, resting his head on Aragorn's shoulder. "Could we please get on with it? I'd like to go to bed." The way he spoke the word suggested anything but sleeping, and his other hand trailed over Aragorn's cheek.  
  
Gimli stared at his friend in awe. "Are you sure that's Legolas?" he asked.  
  
"That is, of course, our problem," Galadriel said. "This curse that afflicts us changes everything about us until we are twisted beyond recognition."  
  
"I received a phone call from Galdor, in Paris, today," Glorfindel announced. "Things are falling apart there. While here it is only the 'main' elves falling under the spell, in Paris they've all been afflicted. They're behaving as most fanfiction authors believe everyday elves do. It's not pretty."  
  
"And it's spreading day by day." Galadriel paled visibly. "Legolas, kindly stop screaming those thoughts. No matter how hard you try, Aragorn will not hear them and I can."  
  
"Has anyone heard from Círdan?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Nope. He's still sailing his 'cruise ship' down on the Caribbean. We haven't been able to get in touch," Rúmil answered.  
  
"So the question is, how can we stop this," Elrohir decided.  
  
"And is it only the elves and men," added Orophin. The sane ones all turned to look at Frodo, Sam and Gimli.  
  
"I haven't felt anything odd or different," Frodo said. Sam and Gimli nodded their agreement.  
  
"It may be you have a stronger resilience to it as well," Elrond offered.  
  
"Alright, that's it!" Galadriel said suddenly. "Haldir, kindly remove your foot from my husband's crotch. And Thranduil, just take Erestor and sneak off already. You've been planning to do it for the past fifteen minutes, get on with it." She paused for a moment. "Legolas, you two leave as well. I really don't want to have to visualize that fantasy developed any further."  
  
When they had left, Frodo sighed. "Is there no hope at all?"  
  
Galadriel smiled at him kindly. "Not all hope is lost. We are doing all we can to find a means of correcting this."  
  
"Aye, and what happens when everyone is caught up in this madness, and no one is left with any sense?" Gimli demanded. "Begging your pardon of course, my lady."  
  
"Not everyone will be affected, "Celebrían spoke for the first time. They all turned to look at her. "From London we have been doing extensive research into fanfiction. With the exception of Paris, it is only the well- known elves being affected. Which leaves every other elf with, once again, the exception of Paris, to work hard against it. I am not well known at all, and in the few fanfictions where I do exist, I am more or less in character. You can be assured that I will not stand by and watch my family and friends fall apart around me."  
  
The twins stood up on their chairs and began cheering.  
  
"Go Mum!" Elladan yelled.  
  
"Sit down," she told them. They did so, heads hanging like children.  
  
"Yes, naneth."  
  
"You see, Gimli, there is hope yet," Galadriel said.  
  
"I have one last question," Elrond announced. "When's the last anyone heard from Gandalf?"  
  
There was silence for a moment as everyone tried to remember.  
  
"Didn't we see him in Ancient Egypt?" Rúmil asked Orophin.  
  
"Yeah, and Greece too," his brother agreed.  
  
"I think I saw him when I passed through the court of Richard V," Glorfindel mused.  
  
"I remember seeing him in Germany about the time Elizabeth was on the throne," Haldir offered.  
  
"Wasn't he friends with Marie Antoinette?" Celebrían asked.  
  
Celeborn nodded. "And Ferdinand and Isabella."  
  
"I saw him at the War of 1812," Frodo remembered.  
  
"He helped the rebels in the French Revolution," Elladan said.  
  
"And wasn't he friends with Queen Victoria?" Elrohir asked.  
  
"Mmm..." a dazed expression came over Glorfindel's face. "I liked Victoria. I liked her a lot."  
  
They stared at him for a moment before continuing.  
  
"Wasn't he in the Civil War?" Sam questioned.  
  
"The last I saw of Mithrandir was during the Russian Revolution," Galadriel spoke. The room grew quiet after that.  
  
"No one has seen him since them?" Elrond asked. They all shook their heads, except Orophin who had gone suddenly white.  
  
"Do you think Gandalf could help?" Rúmil asked. "Or could- Orophin, WHAT is the matter?"  
  
Everyone's gaze was instantly drawn to the panic-stricken blond.  
  
"Uh... nothing." Orophin desperately tried to avoid Rúmil's eyes.  
  
Rúmil looked back at his brother. "No, out with it, come on!"  
  
Celebrían looked up the table at the two brothers, guessing what was going on. She was about to warn them when she noticed that Rúmil had lost his inquisitive stance and was now looking rather flustered. Then his eyes closed as he moaned in pleasure and the meeting abruptly broke up. 


	11. Chaos

I'm really sorry for the excruciating delay. I've had writer's block and exams and everything else. On the plus side, I'm updating two chapters at once. And THANK YOU to bratprincess who helped me out beyond belief. I love you! ILEEGEEHEEMMTOOLRCGFFFFTDL- see? I did memorize it.  
  
Oh yeah, and are you constantly consumed by thoughts of elves? Then join ILL! Seriously.  
  
*  
  
Glorfindel sat up suddenly, waking out of his dream.  
  
"Oh shit."  
  
He took several long deep breaths to calm his panicked mind.  
  
"Okay, okay. Glorfindel, relax. It was just a dream. You cannot control your dreams. It means nothing in real life. I hope."  
  
He shoved away the teal silk sheets and got out of bed, getting a drink of cold water. He moved to his small balcony to stand outside, despite being naked. He figured nobody could really see him from 106 floors up. Stupid mortals.  
  
He leaned against the railing, absent-mindedly tipping the glass so that a steady trickle of water fell to the far off ground below. He grinned as he pictured some poor funny looking mortal getting hit on the head with water. Some loser with glasses, and pocket protectors. Then he stopped because he thought it might be a pretty girl instead.  
  
Sighing, Glorfindel walked back inside, pulling on a pair of pants. He pulled back his long golden hair and braided it deftly, leaving the room. He walked slowly down the hall. His bare feet shuffled lightly and almost without realizing it, he had taken the teal and gold ribbons still in his hair to make a necklace for his mother, something he had always done as a child. He started to sing lightly to himself, in a quiet voice that slowly grew into a full-fledged opera.  
  
"Glorfindel?"  
  
At the sound of the incredulous voice, the distracted Glorfindel spun around and came face to face with Elrond. Without meaning to, he screamed and jumped backward.  
  
"Oh, um, hi," he managed when he had sufficiently recovered.  
  
"Are you alright?" Elrond asked his oldest friend.  
  
Glorfindel nodded quickly, playing desperately with a piece of hair that had fallen loose when he had removed the ribbon. "Yup. I just couldn't sleep and, you know..." he twisted the hair so tightly it hurt. "Couldn't sleep."  
  
Elrond frowned at the golden-haired Elda's odd behaviour. "Glorfindel, what on earth is the matter with you?"  
  
"Nothing!" Glorfindel insisted too quickly. "I'm fine."  
  
Elrond stepped closely. "Glorfindel, if something's the matter you can tell me what it is."  
  
Glorfindel became more and more panicked, trying to control himself before he let out some information he really didn't want known. "I know that Elrond, but I'm fine."  
  
"Glorfindel, tell me the truth."  
  
"I already told you I'm fine and I swear I did not have a sex dream about you and Erestor and even if I had it means nothing and it's just my dream, which isn't my fault and it means nothing in real life and I can control it unless it was real which, of course, it wasn't and okay, okay, maybe I did have a sex dream about you and Erestor but it was only a little one- well, LITTLE isn't exactly the right word but still." Glorfindel's words came out in a rush.  
  
Elrond stared at him, backing away a little. "Oh. Well. I see. Thank you," he cleared his throat uncertainly, "Glorfindel, for that bit of information pertaining to thyself. Yourself. Ha! Silly me, not in sixteenth century England anymore. Well I'd better go because I think I hear Celebrían calling. Or maybe Elladan. Or Elrohir. They're very difficult to tell apart you know. The twins, that is. Yes. Well. Bye!" Turning quickly, Elrond went off down the hall.  
  
Glorfindel looked at the retreating figure of Elrond, thought for a moment and gave chase. Elrond shrieked when he saw Glorfindel running after him and began to run faster. Three corridors and fifteen floors later, Elrond was swiftly losing. He was pretty sure it wasn't just to do with Glorfindel being a much better runner, more to do with the fact he seemed to be letting Glorfindel catch him. Oh  
  
...no!  
  
Elrond kept running, chanting, "Not Glorfindel" over and over. Elrond was so busy chanting that he didn't notice when he ran smack into a dead end. Elrond looked around frantically and started to try and open the doors. Locked. Locked. Locked. Aha! Open!  
  
Elrond rushed straight into the room and stopped dead in his tracks. He did not need this. He also probably should have closed the door, as Glorfindel burst in. Fortunately he stopped dead in his tracks as well.  
  
In the middle of the room, bound in a rather compromising position was Erestor, covered in marks and looking rather...ready for what Thranduil and...Legolas(?!) were about to do to him. Thranduil's tongue was still rather intertwined with Legolas'. As Glorfindel's eyes locked on the two of them, Legolas rather hastily removed his tongue from his fathers' mouth and looked partially ashamed. Of course the fact he licked his lips rather dispelled that image.  
  
Although, something else was attracting Elrond's attention. Someone was buried to the hilt in Erestor. Their back was to Elrond but he would recognize that long silver hair and rounded backside anywhere. The strap around the elf just confirmed his suspicions.  
  
"Celebrían?!" 


	12. Paris is Sane?

Elladan walked into one of the lounges and stopped dead. Rúmil was tied to the wall, stark naked. His long blond hair hung over his face and his wrists were bound with silken draperies. He looked up at Elladan, flipped his long hair away, and grinned.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"What are you doing?" Elladan asked cautiously, wondering why he continued to ask questions he didn't want to know the answer to.  
  
"Waiting for Orophin," Rúmil answered easily.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Elladan turned and left the room, standing in the hall and trying not to scream. Elrohir walked past him.  
  
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," he warned his twin.  
  
"Why not?" Elrohir asked, even as he went in. A moment later he returned, standing beside Elladan. "Oh."  
  
Elladan turned to his brother, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Elrohir, I want you to know that even if we should end up like," he gulped, "That, truly I feel nothing for you at all. You are my brother, and that is all."  
  
Elrohir nodded gravely, gulping as well and looking pained. "Of course. And I, also, feel nothing for you.  
  
The both smiled faint smiles. Then they raced off in opposite directions to gouge out their eyes.  
  
*  
  
A week later, the remaining 'sane' ones were gathered in the office. Their numbers were significantly reduced. Frodo, Sam, and Gimli were there, along with the twins, Glorfindel, Galadriel and Galdor (recently arrived from Paris). They had lost Elrond the day before; after the incident with the chase. Glorfindel's lust had temporarily dissipated after seeing Celebrían ravishing Erestor. Of course, Elrond had been shocked and then started disrobing. Various moans and thumps came from the room next door. The subject of Celebrían was carefully not discussed in front of her mother.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir sat across from one another, tossing a baseball back and forth.  
  
I have not slept in three days," Elrohir said, his words coming out clipped as he gripped the baseball.  
  
"No one has," Glorfindel muttered as he slumped across the table. He didn't care to reveal that the reason he hadn't slept was because of dreams he had been having about certain male elves and now one female elf. Dreams that should have been disturbing but were not. Glorfindel deserved some credit. He was fighting it as hard as he could. But he knew it wouldn't be long before he was chasing after Elrond, or Legolas, or Erestor, or all of them.  
  
The moans next door intensified.  
  
Elladan grabbed the baseball and slammed it at the wall. "Shut the fuck up!" he yelled. His eyes were bloodshot.  
  
"Elladan calm down. You're scaring the periannath," Galadriel chastised her grandson.  
  
"Yes, naneth, er, grandmother." He turned to the hobbits. "I'm sorry. This is incredibly trying."  
  
"Let's run away!" Elrohir proposed suddenly. "Go to Mexico, or something."  
  
"That is not the answer," Galadriel told him.  
  
"It'd be fun though," Elrohir muttered, playing with a pen.  
  
"If this madness continues, I shall throw myself of a mountain," Gimli declared.  
  
"Group suicide, sounds good to me," Elladan said, sliding down in his seat. He kicked Glorfindel under the table. "Hey Glorfie. You alright?"  
  
Glorfindel gave a startled squeak at being addressed. "Me? Yes, I'm fine. Fine, fine, great. Wonderful." Great. Now not only was he fantasizing about Elrond, he was fantasizing about his sons as well. While he was awake.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Glorfindel nodded, knowing he had already lost control.  
  
Frodo and Galadriel both gave him sympathetic looks.  
  
"Go on," Galadriel told him reassuringly.  
  
He turned to her. "I apologize, my lady." Then he skipped off. Yes, skipped. "Oh, Elrond!" they could hear his seductive voice echo down the hallway.  
  
"Excuse me while I go get drunk," Elladan announced.  
  
"Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea." Elrohir paused for a moment. "Why the fuck did I just say dude?"  
  
He and Elladan shared horrified looks.  
  
"You don't think..."  
  
"It can't be..."  
  
They both turned to their grandmother. "Grandmother!"  
  
"Calm down," she told them. "Just think for a moment. Do you have any sexual feelings for each other?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Legolas?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Erestor? Glorfindel? Estel?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Anything that isn't female?"  
  
"No," Elladan sniffled. "But I'm crying. I don't know how to cry."  
  
"And dude, I said dude!" Elrohir eyes widened. "Dude, I said it again!" He clapped his hand over his mouth.  
  
Galdor looked around, Paris was definitely saner than this. 


	13. Explosions and Collisions

Um, I just thought I'd let everyone know that this may be the last chapter for a while. I get my marks on Thursday, and they're significantly less than amazing, so I may be grounded from the computer until summer. I'll do everything I can to sneak on whenever I get the chance, but I can't promise anything. Don't worry though. I'm still writing, don't give up on me!  
  
*  
  
Haldir walked into the twins' room and made himself comfortable.  
  
"What do you want?" Elladan demanded.  
  
"Traitor," Elrohir added.  
  
"Aw, come on. It's not my fault," Haldir protested.  
  
"So what are you doing here?" Elrohir asked. "Shouldn't you be somewhere sucking Celeborn off?" Elladan made a face.  
  
"Oh, please. I'm not Legolas." The twins stared at him. "It's not that bad. I mean, apart from Legolas. Things get a bit kinky, but it's mostly the same as if I was dating some girl."  
  
Elladan looked at him skeptically. "So you're not running around looking for the first sexual opportunity with a guy?"  
  
"No."  
  
"And you're not thinking icky thoughts about us?" Elrohir persisted. "Such as how to lure us into your bed?"  
  
"No! You're still my friends."  
  
"Oh, okay then." The twins sat down comfortably.  
  
"So what's it like?" Elladan asked. Elrohir looked at him quickly. "I'm just curious."  
  
"It's tiring," Haldir said. "And... weird. It's great, you know, when..."  
  
"Okay, okay!" Elladan shouted. "Spare us the details. He's still our grandfather."  
  
"But then, after, when you think about it, it feels wrong, but still right."  
  
There was a knock on the door. Elrohir opened it. Legolas was standing there in a garter, thigh-high fishnets, and a corset-type top. He was holding a whip and handcuffs.  
  
"Anybody bored?"  
  
They all stared at him, for a moment too shocked to speak.  
  
"Uh, no," Haldir finally stammered. "We're all fine here, thanks."  
  
Legolas pouted. "Oh, I'm sure I could be of some use..." He walked over to Elladan, who was still sitting, straddled his lap and ravaged his mouth. There was an instant in time that seemed to drag on forever before he could react. Then he shoved Legolas out of his lap and jumped to his feet, looking as though he were going to cry. He stared at Legolas, who was pouting at him seductively, and ran into the bathroom. They could hear water running.  
  
"I think you should go, now, please," Elrohir suggested.  
  
Legolas turned his gaze to the other twin. "What about you? Are you bored?"  
  
"No, I'm great. And hey, I hear Aragorn calling you."  
  
Legolas gave Elrohir the same superior gaze that Thranduil often had. "I don't hear anything."  
  
It was purely luck that Aragorn came running in, looking for Legolas at exactly that moment. "Oh, there you are. I uh, I have something for you." He enunciated his words carefully, licking his lips so that there would be no confusion as to what this something was.  
  
Legolas looked immensely pleased. "You'll excuse us?" he said, rising to his feet.  
  
Ignoring him, Elrohir looked at Aragorn. "What about Arwen?"  
  
The man shrugged. "She's not here." He ran off down the hall, Legolas giggling after him. Elrohir sighed as he shut the door.  
  
"Oh great," Haldir muttered. "It's a mini SKT."  
  
"SKT?" Elrohir repeated, turning to look at him.  
  
"Sex kitten Thranduil," Haldir explained. Elrohir started to laugh. At least Haldir was mostly normal.  
  
Elladan came back into the room with a box of breath mints and a huge bottle of rum. "He gone?"  
  
Haldir nodded, but Elrohir frowned. "I was saving that rum."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"You know... stuff."  
  
"Too bad."  
  
Elrohir was about to protest further, but they heard Celeborn's roaring voice in the hall. Curious as to what was going on, they went to look. Celeborn was stomping up the hall with Galadriel just behind him. "This is unbelievable!" he yelled.  
  
"Celeborn, please lower your voice," Galadriel requested, remaining calm as ever.  
  
"No I will not lower my voice," he replied. "Here I am trying to run a company, and I find out that my wife is shacking up with every female between here and Tokyo."  
  
Galadriel rolled her eyes. "You've hardly been running a company. You've been too busy going off with Haldir to get off." She glanced at the former March Warden. "Apologies, Haldir."  
  
"Accepted, my lady," he answered automatically.  
  
Flustered, Celeborn sputtered for something to say. "Well... at least I've been monogamous about this whole mess!"  
  
"And at least I've not let it effect my daily life," Galadriel retorted.  
  
Celeborn took a deep breath. "Perhaps it would be better if we don't see each other until this whole mess is over."  
  
"That's fine by me," Galadriel agreed.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine." She started to walk back down the hall toward the elevators.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
The esteemed Lady Galadriel waited until just before the elevator doors closed. "Fine."  
  
"Damn." Celeborn hit the wall with his fist. Without invitation, he walked into the apartment, the twins and Haldir following. He seated himself on one of the chairs and reached up to pull Haldir onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around the slim waist, their foreheads pressing against each other.  
  
The twins stood there, unsure of what to do. They did everything they could to avoid looking at them. They tried to say something multiple times, but would just end up looking at the other helplessly. Finally Elladan cleared his throat.  
  
Haldir looked up. He kissed the top of Celeborn's head and ran his hands through his hair. "Come on," he said. "Let's go somewhere more private." Elladan looked sick. Celeborn nodded tiredly and they left. The twins collapsed on chairs, relieved to finally have peace.  
  
Of course, nothing ever goes right for the twins.  
  
A frantic pounding came at the door. "Let me in!" a small voice pleaded. Elladan did, and Frodo tumbled into the room. "Lock... door," the hobbit panted. Elladan did, and not a moment to soon.  
  
"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo, please let me in!"  
  
"Sam's... chasing me," Frodo gasped. "Said... he wants to... have... kinky... hobbit sex." 


	14. Death is Only the Beginning

Oh my god. I can't believe I haven't updated in over six months. I am _so_ sorry. Everything's just been so nuts lately. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

"I didn't mean it! I was just upset. I never thought it was true!"

"Please, my lady, calm down."

"You know, I thought I'd hate it here. But this being dead stuff- it isn't half bad. Kind of like a soap opera that's always on whenever you want."

"Pippin, shut up!" Merry and Pippin were watching while Boromir, Faramir, Éomer and Éowyn tried to console Arwen.

"Please, Arwen, I'm sure he still loves you. He's just confused right now," Éowyn assured her. Arwen threw herself on the bed, sobbing. "But he wouldn't be confused if I hadn't kicked him out!"

Éowyn turned to the boys, exasperated. But before anyone could say anything more, they heard a loud thump from somewhere outside.

"Oh, not you again," someone yelled.

They could hear someone coming down the hall. The door flew open and there was Gandalf.

"Gandalf!" Merry and Pippin cried. "Have you brought us pipe weed?"

"Ah, no."

"Oh."

"Weren't you just here?" Boromir asked suspiciously.

"I will have you know it has been nearly one hundred years since I last died."

"How did it happen this time?" Faramir questioned casually.

"I'm not sure, I was drunk," Gandalf answered distractedly. "What is that horrible noise?" He noticed Arwen, still sobbing on the bed. "Oh."

Arwen looked up. "I pushed Aragorn away, and now he'll never come back."

"Well, why don't you just go to him?"

"What?"

"Sure. I have to go home soon. I'll take you with me."

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

It was about (time reckoning was difficult) two mortal days before Gandalf was ready to go. Everyone was waiting for him with various amounts of luggage.

"For dead people, you have an awful lot of baggage," he remarked, smirking at something that he alone seemed to understand. "You do realize I can't bring all this?"

"What?" Arwen gasped, eyes widening in shock. "Are you suggesting I leave my Givenchy perfume behind?"

They blinked at her.

"I'm sure we'll be able to find you more," Gandalf promised, still looking at her strangely.

Boromir leaned over as they walked down the hall, luggage, left behind. "How did you manage to get Givenchy perfume here?"

"I was an elf," she retorted snottily. "Special privileges."

Gandalf looked over the assembled crowd, consisting of three men, one woman, one former elf queen, and two hobbits. "Everyone ready?" It didn't really matter if they were, because-

BAM.

They were all crumbled in a heap on the floor, except for Gandalf, who was laughing at them. They were in a white room, with a fuzzy floor and a long table. And there, sitting at the table, was Elrohir. He looked up. "You know, I would normally be surprised to find you here. Or concerned. Or _something_. But right now, nothing surprises me. And I'm too exhausted to express emotion." He looked it, too. Odd thumping sounds started next door, and Elrohir's head fell face-first into the desk, as he made a sound that seemed remarkably like a whimper. He sighed and got heavily to his feet, slamming his fist against the wall twice. "I told you to stop doing that in public earshot!" he yelled.

"Sorry," called back the voices of Elrond and Glorfindel.

Elrohir shuddered, and walked to the door with an odd limp. When he reached it, they saw why. Frodo had wrapped himself around the twin's leg, shivering and staring blackly as though he'd been traumatized. Elrohir stopped. "Welcome home, Arwen." Then he went out, leaving them in a confused mess while Gandalf sniggered.

Arwen untangled herself and stood up, rounding on Gandalf. "Who was that? That was not my brother."

"That was your brother after a few weeks of hell," Gandalf corrected.

Arwen turned around to find everyone else glaring at her. "What, exactly, have you gotten us into?" Éomer asked.

"Me?" she replied, pointing at herself innocently. "This isn't my fault. I had no idea what's been going on here. I've only been watching Aragorn." They all looked at Gandalf. "What IS going on?"

But he refused to answer, and instead ran out of the room, skipping and giggling like a little girl.

"I want my mommy!" Pippin piped up.

"Well, _I_ am going to find Aragorn," Arwen announced, leaving the room. Not wanting to miss anything good, they followed her.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

You really had to almost feel bad for Aragorn. He had no way of knowing what was about to happen as he walked down the hall, hand-in-hand with Legolas. And he'd been a bit on the clueless side to begin with.

So there they were, walking down the fuzzy carpeted hall, Legolas chatting away, when Aragorn froze. Legolas wasn't really paying attention (he really just liked the sound of his own voice) and so kept walking, even when Aragorn was holding him back, he kept tugging, much like a person walking their dog. Finally he turned and looked back at the man. "Aragorn, come on."

But Aragorn was staring blankly ahead, his mouth moving as though trying to find words.

Legolas followed his gaze, and his eyes met Arwen's. "You," she hissed glaring at him.

Legolas, for his part, looked completely unfazed. "Oh, hello Undomiel," he said coolly, examining his nails. "It's been a long time."

Arwen's eyes turned red. And not just red-eye red. We're talking flaming-pits-of-hell red. "How dare you!" she screamed, "You steal my husband and you don't even have the decency to look guilty or apologetic!" Then, with a war like scream, she launched herself at him.

Everyone moved closer, watching in interest. "Dude, it's a cat fight," Boromir said.

Aragorn leaned over toward him. "Do you think it's a little wrong that I'm actually enjoying this? It's kind of arousing."

Boromir backed away a little.

The door opposite them opened. Elrohir limped out, Frodo still attached to his leg, and Elladan right behind him.

"Oh, does everything have to happen right outside OUR door?" Elrohir yelled.

"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" Sam was bouncing up the hall.

Frodo screamed, scrambling up Elrohir's back and perching on top of his head. Elladan grabbed Sam by the back of his shirt and held him back from Frodo.

Glorfindel walked down the hall, looking surprisingly upset. And also unsurprisingly gorgeous. He was only wearing a pair of loose silk pants, and that was enough to make anyone ignore everything else. He looked up at them mournfully. "I don't enjoy this, not really. You do know that, right?"

"I want my mommy," Pippin piped up.


	15. The Mortals Strike Back

"Elladan?"

He could hear the voice vaguely, but didn't want to listen. He was finally getting some sleep, after about three days. Besides, he wasn't even Elladan. He tried to tell the speaker this through his sleep, but it came out sounding like, "Innadan."

Apparently the speaker understood though, because the next thing he heard was, "Elrohir?" While this was, admittedly him, he still didn't want to wake up. But then the speaker began shaking his shoulder, and he had no choice.

Sleepily Elrohir squinted up to see Éowyn. "Whaa?" he questioned incoherently.

"Elrohir, I'm worried."

He stared at her a moment, and then flopped back down on the table. "Go tell Haldir."

"He's not here."

Oh, right. He and Celeborn had left for the Caribbean the night before. Bugger. "Elladan then."

"He's busy. He's closed up in his apartment."

"What?" Elrohir's head shot up.

"It's Faramir. All he'll talk about is 'Nam." She paused. "What's 'Nam?"

Elrohir waved a hand impatiently. "Not that. What did you say about Elladan?"

"He's closed up in his apartment."

"Doing what?"

Éowyn shrugged. "When I knocked said to sod off, he was right in the middle of something."

Elrohir got to his feet. "Fuck." He knew what that meant. Elladan was right in the middle of shagging someone. "Fuck," he said again, as he walked down the hall. If his twin was stuck in there with Glorfindel or somebody else just as bad, he'd kill him, shared womb be damned.

He shoved open the door to the apartment and knocked on Elladan´s bedroom door. "'Dan, open the fuck up!" he yelled.

The door opened a crack. "What?" Elladan hissed, looking annoyed as hell.

Elrohir lowered his voice as well. "Who the fuck is in there with you?"

The corners of Elladan´s mouth twitched a little, and he pulled back the door a little more, enough for Elrohir to catch sight of a red head lying under the covers, pouting at him impatiently. Although she did start to perk up slightly when she noticed they were identical twins. Elrohir found himself grinning back at Elladan, and then they both laughed.

"Alright?" Elladan asked.

Elrohir nodded and turned away as Elladan shut the door again. Éowyn was waiting at the door. "It's okay," he assured her. "It's a girl."

Éowyn looked confused. "What?"

"He's sleeping with a girl," Elrohir repeated.

"That's wonderful, but what about Faramir?"

Elrohir sighed, but figured he was already awake. "Alright, what's your trouble?"

"All he talks about is 'Nam. 'Nam this, 'Nam that… I don't even know what 'Nam is."

Elrohir frowned. "But he wasn't here for 'Nam."

"And he and Boromir won't stop arguing. Boromir keeps going on about how war is wrong. Boromir! The great warrior. And he's dressing and speaking in the oddest manner."

Elrohir sighed again. "A hippie and a 'Nam vet. Sure, why not?"

"I haven't a clue what you're talking about. But would you _please_ help me get them back to normal?"

Elrohir looked at her. "Sweetheart, there's no normal here." But he followed her anyway.

When they found them, Boromir and Faramir were standing in the middle of the hall, arguing. Boromir was wearing a tie-dyed muumuu, and spherical sunglasses. Elrohir was wondering where in hell he'd gotten them. Then he looked more closely at Faramir, who was limping. What happened to your leg?"

"Old war injury. It always acts up when it snows."

Elrohir glanced out the window. "It's sunny."

"Okay, so it's not snowing _yet_."

"It's 32 degrees out!"

"Are you going to argue with a war injury?"

Elrohir was still staring at him incredulously when Faramir started screaming.

"They're coming back! Go for cover men! Head for the foliage!" He dove behind the potted plant.

Boromir didn't move. "Hey man, chill out. There's nothing there."

"Really?" Faramir crawled out from his tree. "These hallucinations are getting worse. I need a drink."

"No, you don't!" Elrohir insisted rather loudly. He wasn't exactly sure what a drink would do to Faramir, but he was sure it couldn't make things any better.

"So what should I do?" Éowyn asked.

Elrohir looked from Faramir to Boromir, not really sure what to say. Finally he shrugged. "Keep him away from the alcohol and give him lots of sex," he answered, pointing to Faramir. His nose wrinkled, and he grabbed the joint from Boromir's hand. "And keep _him_ away from the marijuana." He started down the hall.

"Where are you going?" Éowyn called after him.

"Insane!" he retorted.

Two days later the count was up. Merry had decided he was actually six feet tall; it was everyone else who was short. Pippin, on the other hand, was acting like a child of about three. Gimli had decided he wanted to be a Broadway star and begun cross-dressing. And Éowyn had turned into a dithering housewife, doting on Faramir´s every need. Which actually could have been worse, because they just ended up in their room shagging a lot.

Elladan and Elrohir were walking down the street, counting. "This brings our total of sane people up to… four," Elladan concluded.

They both stopped walking.

"That can't be right," Elrohir said, almost desperately. "There has to be more."

Elladan shook his head slowly. "No. There's you and me… and Éomer… and Frodo."

Elrohir frowned. "Count them again. Maybe we missed someone."

"Okay. Well, Gandalf just came back with Arwen, Boromir, Faramir, Éowyn, Éomer, Merry and Pippin. Merry and Pippin are a check on t he insane list. Gandalf's disappeared again. Éowyn's a housewife, Faramir's a 'Nam vet, and Boromir's a hippie. Arwen's in an obsessive catfight over Aragorn, who has definitely lost it. All the other elven 'realms' have become brothels on LSD. Legolas has become a mini version of his father, who while always weird was never quite like this. There's Haldir and Celeborn, Rúmil and Orophin, and Grandmother who is still functional, but shagging every female she can find. I'm not even going to start with what's happening with Naneth, Ada, and Glorfindel. And Galdor's gone back to Paris. Oh yeah, Sam's obsessed with Frodo, and there's Gimli the cross-dresser.

"Okay, well who's still functional?"

"Grandmother for sure. Haldir and Celeborn are fine as long as they're not in the same room together for too long. Éowyn might be if we could get her away from Faramir."

"Oh! What about Erestor?"

Elladan shook his head. "Naw. I don't know how normal he is, but he's too naïve to be much good."

"Did you see that?" Elrohir asked suddenly.

"What?"

"There." Elrohir pointed down an alley. "Hello?"

Lindir appeared in the dim light. "Oh, um, hello."

"What are you doing there?" Elladan asked suspiciously.

"Hiding."

"From who?"

"Well… your father actually. He tried to… consummate with me this morning."

"Wait," Elrohir said guardedly. "You're not into that?"

"Of course not!" Lindir answered, looking highly affronted that they would even suggest such a thing.

"Come on then," Elrohir yelled, grabbing his arm. "You're normal. We have to plan."

The twins all but forced Lindir back to the building.

Unfortunately, their joy was short lived.

Upon return, they found Éowyn standing in the hall, screaming at her brother who looked slightly terrified. Faramir was standing in the door, looking guilty. As they listened, they began to get a sense of why she was so angry. Evidently she had come in to find Éomer having a nice pleasant shag-with her husband.

"Oh god," Elladan muttered. "Not you, too."

"I can't help it!" Éomer protested. "I just… I need SEX!"

"I don't believe this," Elrohir announced, and walked away. Elladan and Lindir followed, leaving Éowyn, Éomer and Faramir to sort out their issues themselves.


End file.
